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Imposter Syndrome

The concept of ‘Imposter Syndrome” was  communicated to me by a very educated women that I worked with once.  This brought to mind a quandary of thoughts that I had never entertained before.  My beginnings were not the ideal and in my thinking in need of burying as deep as possible.  My experience is that no matter how hard you try to push away from things they more they come up in other ways.  When someone would compliment me on my knowledge of something I would always think “Whew, pulled one over on them”. Which is the basis of imposter thinking.

The result is that I did not pursue the education that I needed for fear of being judged or someone finding out that I am not “as bright” as everyone thought.  This ends of being a self-destructive cycle.  The more I achieved the more I become fraught with anxiety.  The good part about becoming older is that I have embraced some basic precepts. Being honest about my educational background.  I had to be real  to free myself to go back to school without feeling embarrassed.  It does separate the wheat from the chaff:-) In the last few years I have had an onslaught of negative personal observations from just about every angle of my life.  This really helped me.  The personal downslide helped disconnect from the things that were keeping me from moving forward.

I get about 3 hits a day from Russia for this site so I write this blog to help organize my thoughts and if the odd person see this and it helps them, awesome!

Good resource for more information about “Imposter Syndrome”

The College Thing Again

So just a brief update.
My college career is forthcoming, finally. The financial aid has finally come thru and I start a Computer Network Operations AAS Degree.

So the plan looks like this:

AAS Computer Network Operations w/Security for work purposes.  I have been in IT for over 20 years but my skill set is outdated and my Certifications have expired.

After that is completed and gainful employment has been secured, I will start working on an MBA in History.

The interesting part is if I take long enough for the MBA,  I will probably qualify for a senior pass and go to school for free.

What’s Old is New Again. Planning.

For the first installment of the “What’s Old is New Again” I thought I would talk about planning.  I know some really frugal stay at home mom’s that fully engaged in both vicious budget keeping and meal planning.  This is really crucial if you are going to save money but it also saves in plastics (last-minute purchasing of meals).  Not only are you able to successfully budget your meals but you’re also aware of what is in your food and can eat much healthier.

I am aware that meal planning isn’t new but I think most people but this in to the financial sector of their life and don’t take in consideration a few other variables when you are eating out.

1.) What are they putting in your food?

2.)Plastics used to contain and eat your food.

3.)Time utilized waiting in line for food.

If you plan your lunches for the month you can buy the groceries needed.  Cook off whatever you need (bread for sandwiches, beans, etc.) and package your lunches and freeze what you can.  Then you pop it out of the freezer the night before and Robert’s your sister’s brother (Bob’s your Uncle!) and you have a cost-effective, nourishing, tasteful lunch!  No impact on the planet because you have used

1.) cloth napkins (rinse after use)

2.)washable containers

3.)washable silverware

4.) use your lunch for reading and eating, not driving to the lunch stand.

If you have kids it is soooo important that they get a nutritious meal in the afternoon and unfortunately the schools are relying heavily on prepared food stuffs that are almost completely pre-made artificial, harmful additive in composition. Making sure that they are eating protein and fruit will help with their concentration and ability to absorb the  information they are trying to learn while in class. So not only are you ensuring that they are eating right you are helping them learn!

Believe it or not, early americans used to carry a hunk of bread and if they were really lucky cheese for their midday meal.

For more on the history of meals please visit the link below.

Breakfast, lunch and dinner: Have we always eaten them?

What is old is new again. Revisiting the past to save the future.

As a fan of history this new cycle of marketing ‘new’ products to the environmentally concerned is confusing.  It is confusing because of the packaging and ‘quick’ fix for everyday needs is relatively new.  It has only really been the last 100 years since prepackaged foods and ready-made clothing have become both popular and a planet health hazard.

So it occurred to me that I would really like to blog about what we did before pre-packaging was cool.

I will be starting a series of blog posts that hopefully are both entertaining and useful in bringing forth historic ways of dealing with daily tasks and needs without costing a fortune and using environmentally harmful practices.

Here we go!

Back to School at 49 !

Sooooo,  the featured image has nothing to do with the content of this blog post.  It was simply for the bloggers own viewing pleasure.

My experience in the last 20 years has led me to believe that certifications in IT (CCNA, “All things Comptia” and “All things Microsoft”) have their shelf life for practical work scenarios.  I was just like any other new IT professional and wanted all the certifications that gave me the “Golden Ticket” to jobs and knowledge enough to keep them.  Well the first part is true ….

I have achieved an MCSE x2. I have a hard-earned CCNA. All are expired.  The MCSE was around 10 separate tests for the first MCSE (that is ‘if’ you pass all of em the first time).  The CCNA took a lot of specialized software for router interfaces and 1500.00 for the training software to help one thru the tests and of course the books to supplement.  Fast forward to 12 months later and the excruciating 5 hours of test taking is void enter a new study/software/test experience or Lather, Rinse, Repeat. The sad part is the test taking and studying only give a foundation for the technology and there is nothing like real world experience.

I jumped off that treadmill about 7 years ago and alas I am without valid certs and on the bottom of the barrel for IT jobs.  20 years experience and expired certs just don’t count.

I am headed back to school for a CIS degree.  Just so I can make a living wage.  I will blog about the process as I am very new to applying for and maneuvering around the financial aid waters. It should be fun to be a Menopausal Matriculate.


Picture Perfect Bike Ride

After my 9mi ride the other day I was hypnotized by the field behind our street.  Could have been heat exhaustion as I picked the hottest part of the day to go for a ride …

Highland ..(Highway) Games….The Struggle is real.

As our story opens 48 year old female is ‘very’ excited to finally get to go the Highland festival. Be advised Norse Gods are involved!

I bounced out of bed at 6:00 AM rushed to get ready, foregoing breakfast.  I had everything set out from the night before so I would not forget anything. Double checked the GPS app on my phone made sure I had all the maps for Gresham plotted! Ready and out the door in 20 minutes!  I hit the freeway singing to the radio not a care in the world.  Happy thoughts of men in kilts and Bagpipes joyfully occupying my brain….then I got to Portland (enter horror show music here). There is no forthright way of getting anywhere in the Portland freeway system.

So after entering the arena (freeways in Portland)  the GPS on my cell phone thought in it’s little evil technical mind that it would be funny to lose the signal around 1 to 2 miles before the exit and recalculate the route that I supposed to take and then decided to lose Bluetooth connectivity so I had to cradle the phone on my lap with the windows rolled up and radio off so I could hear the weak and feeble commands.  After an hour of doing “round the Rose Quarter” I finally decided to pull over and get my Bluetooth sorted (sends voice navigation to the car stereo thus allowing me to actually hear the directions) and see if I can get the ‘google maps’ navigation to work better.  I rebooted my phone 3x and reconnected the Bluetooth as many times still didn’t work. (The Motorola Droid Razr that I was using has now been retired.  The Samsung Galaxy 6 Edge that I have replaced it with is a JOY.)

9:00 AM

After messing with the maniacal cell phone for 20 minutes I finally decide that I will just deal with the thing on my lap and try and achieve the end goal of just getting there over convenience.  I found that again I was sent on a highway version of Hunger Games as I balanced the obviously amused device on my thigh while trying to get on and off freeway on ramps and still losing signal every 5 minutes. Every onramp/offramp maneuver  sent the phone violently sliding across my lap thus causing me to thigh shuffle to try and keep the phone from hitting the car floor. The phone was still losing the GPS signal and locking the screen on the one location so to try and solve the issue I started waving the cell phone around to regain connectivity, holding the phone out the window at one point.  So after fighting the Gods of Mayhem and the possessed Motorola Razr, I finally see the holy land of Gresham.

10:30 AM

I finally roll  into the parking lot of the college with a bladder is now housing over 50 ounces of water ( I know because I keep track because of the diet).  I didn’t want to stop before getting to the Mt Hood Community College because I felt Loki  had had his way long enough and didn’t want to tempt him again with going off course.

I park and disgorge myself from the metal monster relieved that I have finally arrived and all will be well from now on. (gods are laughing). Scan immediate area for suitable porta potty/bush. Nothing in view and far too many people for the bush option.  I go and wait at the shuttle stop. I arrive at the gym where the admissions for the festival is located.  I wait in a long line. Finally get in regretting not wearing Depends and make a mental notation for future self harm incidents of wanting to go to festival that adult diapers should go on the prep list. I head with urgent distinct purpose to the area pointed out to me by kilted ticket taker. I wait in a really long line. Now thoughts of just pissing in the middle of floor dance madly thru my urine poisoned  brain at this point.  I feel this is the gods again having their way with me and laughing at my bladder torture. Another 20 minutes later I finally get to pee.  I am not exaggerating when I say this is most likely the best moment of my life to date.

11:30 AM

Feeling again rejuvenated “world is my oyster” kind of mood I venture into the “Highland Games”.  The first thing that I notice is that this is a really large community college. With the usual large rambling crowd familiar to festivals is surging to and fro and I enter into the flow headed toward the main field.  On the field there are merch vendors and food vendors.. I seek out any form of entertainment and alas none on the horizon….just a really lot of vendors.  Having only eaten …well nothing I thought “Well I will get something to eat then go look at the upper field”.  Signal more god hilarity. Well I am here to tell you that apparently one very lucky catering company has locked in _all_ the food vending for the whole of the festival and they all have the same menu.  There are only Breaded items on offer and  I am really gluten intolerant so not an option..  Hot dogs were the only thing even remotely on offer that I would consider but paying 5.00 for a single wiggly hot dog w/nothing else just goes against everything I hold dear.  So on the grounds that my character would die go to hell and my salted soul be eaten by the devil rather than be a vending operators consuming bitch, I tread on without eating. Yep heard the feedback from y’all already and “YES” I did research on what food was going to be there but I honestly thought they would have an independent vendor at the festival serving something different.

12:20 Temp 85F

Still feeling optimistic I  head to the upper field in search of something besides vendors.  The heat has now climbed to over 80 and I am walking uphill for 15 minutes in the heat without eating.  So I know what you’re thinking…But at the time it seemed fine.  I just wanted to see the sheepdog trials. I got there and the dogs were gone and something resembling heat exhaustion was starting to creep up and I was running out of water.

I was really overheated and had only two things on my mind.  Get water and sit in shade. Nothing else was either important or even really registered.  If a large mindblowingly beautiful 17th century Highlander could’ve ‘poofed’ into existence right in front of me on bended knee begging for my attention and the only thing that I would be able to think is “I wonder if he knows where a water fountain is?”.  So, with no water fountain anywhere to be found I _again_ have to stand in line _in the sun_ and then I get to pay 2.00 for water.  Now is a great time to mention that my mood was slowly declining at this point. I was starting to morph into 6 of the 7 dwarves with Happy being left far behind.  I take my water and go back down to the lower field deciding to suck it up and get the *$%&$&# hot dog.  I make trek all the way back to the main field where all the food vendors are.  So the configuration of the festival on the lower field was all the food vendors as well as other merch vendors are located on the island in the middle of a running track. So as I start down the stadium steps toward the track. A man blares out over the stadium sound system “Please stay off the track for the kilted run”.  Just staring at the space in front of me I have to give up a little hysterical giggle.  Trapped on the inside the track are all the food vendors.

Overheated, babbling incoherently due to blood sugar and a seriously degraded attitude  I decide I am going fecking home.

2:00PM  Temp 90F > toward 100F

Stand in heat for shuttle

Ride hot Shuttle

Get in Hot car

Did I mention it was hot?

So I left the parking lot grumbling cursing and kicking puppies ( ok the last one is an exaggeration)  and just wanting to get something to eat.  I was presented with a lovely Bar and Grill across from the Community College and finally got a salad and fries.  I know odd combo but my mood dictated that fries were necessary as the ‘games’ were such a disappointment.

I drive home…long, long, hot drive but home I was going.

My back aching, my head aching and just generally bummed about the day not having one shred of entertainment for me, I walk in and find out that the person buying my chicken coop shorted my husband 25.00 on the agreed asking price. update:  Lady sent the difference and chalked it up to a misunderstanding.

I went to bed.

The funny thing is that the pictures of the pipers that are posted with this story were outside the festival in the parking lot.  I really enjoyed watching them.  So maybe instead of paying 20.00 for tickets, driving 2 hours turned 6 due to a mean spirited cell phone I should have just went to the parking lot!

First day with “Amazing Greens” and new online fitness tracking

So I started the day with Collagen (Neocell) mixed in hot lemon juice. I can hear the sighs of delight over how appetizing that sounds! (sarcasam).  Wait a half an hour and had a coconut milk and scoop of “Amazing Greens Mocha” .  Than a “Think Thin” Protein Nut bar for lunch.  Salad for dinner.  Still craving something I had another Nut bar….I think those things are bit addictive.  Roasted celery for snack.  Nummy eh!

I am still waiting for it to cool off enough to take my bike out for an hour as planned so will update you on that when it happens.  So far the supplements aren’t making me hungrier later which is what usually happens.  I do really well until later at night than start craving things really badly.


I am currently using My Fitness Pal to track meals and exercise.  So far it is locating food items and seems fairly comprehensive about exercise.

Will update tomorrow!

Losing Weight and Nutrition

So I have made a commitment to losing 30 pds and competing in a major pole competition by my 50th birthday.

25 years ago I used to be insanely in shape with a body fat ratio of 23% which for a women is extremely good.  Now however have having office jobs and depression for the last 20 years the pds have creeped up and the lack of mobility.

My Goal is to lose the weight with cardio and proper nutrition not a fad diet of ‘magic’ cure.  That being said I have found that the statement that you will not lose weight the same way twice is really true.  I have tried not eating carbs, but that just made obsessed with carbs around 10:00 PM at night thus causing a carb feast then laying down. Not a good idea if you are trying to lose weight.

Currently I have stopped taking some anti anxiety meds that I think might be making the weight issue worse.  We will see.

So right now I am 155 pds.  Ideally I would like to be 115 but will settle for 120. So 35 totally.

Now for the physical side.  I would like to be Jenye Butterfly on the pole.  That is the standard I am working toward.  I would like to hit fifty raging with sexy confidence.

As I am currently job hunting and stressed about money etc.  This should be an interesting journey!


I am gluten, dairy, chocolate and sugar free. Some are allergies others just make me feel bad.  My body responds to sugar really badly. So I just avoid.

One would wonder how I could have any weight issues avoiding these particular ingredients but you would be surprised what you can chow down on that doesn’t have any of these things. Rice, Popcorn etc.  Carbs are my downfall.  I have decided not to count calories but look at the meal on a whole.  My daily meals are:

Salad w/ Goat cheese, tomatoes, cucumbers, chia seeds, homemade Italian dressing.

Chicken Tenders baked w/ broccoli

Roasted Seaweed


Menopause Supplements:

Black Cohosh

Evening Primrose Oil

General Supplementation:


Collagen 1,2, & 3


Greens Plus (naturally derived C)

I am currently trying a supplement for breakfast call “Amazing Greens” with unsweetened Coconut Milk.  I will see what difference it makes in 2 wks.


Biking 4x weekly

Gym 3x Weights and Treadmill.

Update same time next week.

My pole experiences will be on another blog post.

Working on pets area..

Will be updating my dogs website.  Unfortunately I have lost my dobies due to age related illnesses.  Our Shepherd is still giving us love but a bit slower these days.

I feel very proud that when I brought each of my dogs home I promised them 3 things:  They are wanted, They are safe and They will be with my for the whole of their natural lives.  I have kept that promise.

6 week old Willow

Very Young Willow

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